My apartment reads a lot of blogs.
All very normal exchanges, as if they live down the hall, rather than cities dotting far-flung, U.S. corners…
I mean, there is NO sign of discretionary income quite like a 3-day, delivery juice cleanse — and there is no 23-year-old pair in the city with that kind of income lying around. Right? Am I right? Ugh, totally wrong…I know.
But, anyway, there was CBL, solving all our problems: at-home juicing in a blender we already own. It doesn’t come hand-delivered in a personalized cooler every morning, but it works all the same.
We printed the grocery list and rushed off to the store.
And we didn’t even do it 100% correctly because we both bought 3 pound bags of grapes, “just in case. JUST IN CASE, I SWEAR. Prob won’t even need them, right? Totally won’t…”
Then we went home and promptly started drinking margaritas. We were starting the cleanse on Saturday, this was very clearly Friday and we thought we’d settle our nerves with copious amounts of Mezcal, huddled in the small corners of nearly every cantina in town.
This is probably not the way to start a cleanse (agh! hindsight strikes again), but like I said, this is DI-TRY.
Anyway, Day 1:
We made the first juice on Saturday morning.
Lemon + Celery + Green Apple + Kale + Spinach + Romaine.
“Um, I actually really like it.”
*cheers again. chug*
Off to a roaring start. I went to yoga. Annie went somewhere. We came home, starving, and made #2.
This is the best juice of the cleanse, but that’s no surprise to anyone — there’s no scary ingredients to turn a vegetable-fearing nose up at. We LOVED this, swearing oaths to make it regularly post-cleanse (nope, haven’t done that).
Umm, juice #3…what happened to juice #3…OH! it’s the same as juice #1 — we made it again. Also, liked it again.
I skipped juice #4 and instead cried into a bag of frozen grapes, desperate for something to chew on.
Oh, oops, ah, ermmm, skipped #5 too. 3 pounds of grapes….that sits surprisingly heavy.
We made #6 — mainly because it was cashews + honey + cinnamon and sounded like something straight out of childhood.
No picture, fatigue had set in, I suppose.
Juice #1 went down easily enough. As did juice #2.
Skipped #3 (because, um, it’s the same as juice #1 and I’m tired of it!!!!).
Finally made it to #4: Spicy Lemonade.
Then I went to the gym (rookie mistake) and did a leg workout (rookie mistake, part 2).
As I walked home, slowly — so as to not burn any more calories or incite further hunger — I pictured juice #5 (beets, carrots, general misery) and part of my soul died.
The rest of my soul died when I threw open the front door and caught Annie in the midst of a torrid affair with a spicy tuna roll.
The cleanse was off.
I then ate 1/3 bag of cashews, another bag of grapes, an entire cucumber and an apple.
CBL, superwoman that she is, fared much better — should you actually want a partner in this cleanse, I (sadly) must point you in her direction…apt 1H is not the duo you’re looking for.